superman landing like a plane on his belly
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Aaaa…CHOO!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.