Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
it must be school picture day
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.