I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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hear me out : pockets for your socks
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.