I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
😅🤣😂
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]