“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.