*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.