Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
tis the season
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
an airline just for babies.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”