“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
🙂🐾
Always…
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
We’ve all been there…
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…