ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
🚲+physics = winner
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Breaking news:
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.