People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.