“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”