Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The biggest mystery of our time
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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