What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.