[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
When someone trying to leave me
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!