You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Yup.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too