I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
dictator is short for richard potato
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.