I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
You Might Also Like
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
What personal space?
My dog
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I saw this ending much differently.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet