My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
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When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
We have a winner.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.