If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
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I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Never forget.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK