My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999