My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”