Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”