BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.