I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?