For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!