date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
i prefer mine room temperature.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
How to draw a duck
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”