Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.