I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.