Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”