When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
You Might Also Like
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Y’all ready for this
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair