Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂