Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME