Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: