[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜