I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I can’t wait!
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Investing in beetcoin
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.