.. do you even science?
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
These aliens are taking forever.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.