Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Lol.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”