When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
They got a point!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: