#FunnyLife Insects
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number