R.I.P.
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Candles never taste the way they smell
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
my mind
You just read my mind
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*