[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included