Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
the answer was staring at me all along
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]