Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is