Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived