Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now