[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
You better watch out
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop