Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee