Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”