The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*