If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Whoa 😂
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.